The Beauty Distortion Part Two

Once the Beauty Distortion takes hold it keeps you in its grips until you discover it and do something to change it. Often it is held in place by other distortions and becomes a sticky web. Getting to the bottom of it can be tricky but it is work you must be willing to do if you want to be free.

For me and probably many other woman, the distortion happened as a teenager when developmentally we craved acceptance. We wanted to fit in and have our peers, especially boys, find us attractive. Girls wanted boyfriends and boys wanted girlfriends and the most popular people were the ones who had the guy or the girl. It seemed to me it was the first who were pretty that got the guy.  Who can blame a guy for that!
The general consensus at my house was I was fat and ugly and even though that wasn’t true I heard it often enough to believe it was true. In my mind there wasn’t any hope for me unless I change how I looked. I even made my parents send me to “Charm School” and if you read that story you will see, that didn’t work either!

Up until I began my teens I was a Tomboy. I was popular with the boys because I could climb trees, catch frogs, snakes and turtles with my bare hands, build go carts and build forts in the woods. I was one of the boys and I was unafraid. As soon as we hit our teens that wasn’t what boys were looking for from girls. It was confusing for me when their attention changed. At the same time I was being programmed to believe I wasn’t attractive.

The program went on autopilot in my psyche and through years of inner work I unraveled a lot of it. If you read my post yesterday you will remember that my feeling of not being pretty enough came up over the weekend. The timing was perfect because this distortion needs to go. 

This morning when I was thinking about this issue I saw clearly how it didn’t make sense. I thought about all the men I had been in relationships with over the years. I know how it works for men. The physical attraction is the initial draw. Which means they were attracted to my beauty first, they weren’t attracted to me because I was “fat and ugly”! With that in mind, this distortion doesn’t even make sense!

The fact is, I have attracted an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, heart centered man in my life right now , who loves me and I am positive his initial attraction to me was because of my beauty, not because I am physically unattractive, so this crazy belief ve doesn’t work at all!

Like I said at the beginning, these distortions work on autopilot, and control us unconsciously,  until we start unwrapping them!

It’s time to let this crazy shit go!

 

The point of no return

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Today I walked around Lake Como for the first time in several years. It’s only a mile and a half, but it was too much in the past.

There were points in my recovery where this would have been anxiety producing because a mile and a half around a lake looks like a long distance. Going for walks in places I wasn’t familiar with also caused anxiety.

I was afraid I wouldn’t make it back because I wouldn’t have the strength or stamina, especially once I reached the half way point where turning back wouldn’t matter because it was the same distance either way.

It’s a great metaphor for the events in our lives. You reach a point where there is no turning back and you just have to go through the obstacle.

So as I walked I thought about the halfway point and no turning back. Right at the halfway point in my walk this butterfly appeared.

Oh, how I have transformed in the last 3.5 years, which was affirmed by the butterfly showing up. I had no anxiety about taking this walk or dancing for an hour and a half at dance church yesterday day. The body has an amazing ability to heal.

Living in Your Heart

Do you know what it feels like to live from inside of your heart?

The first time I felt it was five days before I had open heart surgery. I was so angry and disappointed when the doctor told me I had to have surgery. I want to run away from my life. Make this nightmare go away. I had truly been through so much already. I didn’t know if I could get through this. I cried a lot. I was afraid. I went to sleep that night in fear.

I woke up the next morning in such a state of peace, knowing this was the best thing for me. The fear was gone. The anger was gone. All I felt was a deep sense of trust that my path was unfolding in the highest and best way for me. I was fearless going into surgery. I felt I had received grace for some loving expanded presence.

I stayed in that space for over two months. It didn’t matter that I was in terrible pain and discomfort and my outer world was falling apart. I felt peace. I had never felt anything like it before and I wanted to stay there forever.

That is what living in your heart feels like. It’s a state of Grace.

Unfortunately I couldn’t maintain it.

It has been almost two years since I had surgery and I have dropped in and out of heart space, each time maintaining it a little longer. Each time I knew I had to dive a bit deeper into myself to remove more of what was keeping peace away.

I arrived again a couple of months ago…I feel so much peace, love and freedom. My wish is that everyone can feel this. I feel like all of what I have been through was so worth being able to feel such freedom and love. I want to stay here forever…

A Grateful Heart

I have been overwhelmed with gratitude the last few days. I know I have said THANK YOU many times, yet this one is coming from a deeper place in me.

When you are in the midst of crisis/initiation it is hard to see the bigger picture. You just move from event to event holding on for dear life. From outside of the initiation you see clearly.

I was driving the other day when it hit me like a tsunami. I could see, feel and touch the support I got from this community of friends around the world and how it was a great part of healing my heart, the depths of which I can’t put words to, but I will try.

Right after the first heart attack, while I was still in the hospital, my guides said I needed to be very public about my journey. That scared me because we think it is much easier to suffer in silence. I am grateful I broke through my fear and shared my journey.

What happened Surprised me and healed my heart.

And so I Thank each and every one of you who has been part of this journey. I could see it all the other day, almost like a life review. You touched my heart, you helped me heal on so many levels.

To those who read my posts, dialogued with me, encouraged me and sent me love…
To those who encourage me and kept me going…
To those who visited me in the hospital…
To those who brought me meals so I didn’t have to cook…
To those who bought me groceries …often when my cupboard was bare…
To those who called, texted or sent messages to me to see how I was doing…
To everyone who donated money to the fundraisers, or send me money to surprise me. ..
To those who created fundraisers for me…
To my neighbor who has shovel my walk for 4 winters…
To my neighbors how supported me in so many ways…
To the doctors both here and in Europe who did life saving measures to save my heart.
To those who took me out for dinner or tea and spent time with me…
To those who drove me to appointments when I couldn’t drive…
To my kids who took this wild ride with me and dealt with their own suffering because of it so I didn’t have to worry…
To my cates, BJ and Charlie who did heart healing work on me several times a day and continue to do it.
To all of the healers, my Naturopaths, chiropractor who offer services remotely or in person…
To those who prayed for me and continued to through out this journey…
To my neighbor who took loving care of BJ and Charlie every time I was in the hospital…
To my dear friends who were with me in Austria when I had the second heart attack who held healing space for me while I was in the hospital for a week…
To my friend Kate who took the train an hour each way almost every day to hang out with me in the hospital and keep me sane, when she could have been painting…
To my adopted tree, Grace, for being a place of refuge when I could only walk from my car to where she stood in the forest…
To the group who did two healing sessions for me…
To everyone who believed I could recover and told me so…
To people around the world that I have never met, yet we’re there for me…
To long time friends…
To new ones…
Not one kind gesture was lost on me. I felt them all.
I am grateful from the depths of this beautiful, strong heart of mine. I could not have done it without you…thank you for loving me…
You all helped me save my life so I could stay on this beautiful planet.
You all have a special place in my heart ❤️

The Initiation

“As most of you know, psyche is the Greek word for soul. It’s also the Greek word for butterfly. If you have a protagonist in a story whose name is Psyche, you might expect that she will go through a major transition and crisis. Will she survive it? Will she come through and be transformed, or will she die? That’s one way of looking at the Psyche myth.”

I painted the image at the top in November 2015 in Ibiza, Spain. What I knew at the time was it was a painting of Psyche floating on the River Styx. What I didn’t know was it was an announcement to me that I was about to begin an initiation that would last almost 4 years! I was about to enter the underworld. In the painting she is going towards something in the past.

Four months later I had the first in a series of heart attacks that lead to open heart surgery.

Just like Psyche I would be faced with challenges, I would be fearful and I would find the resources and helpers to get through each challenge.

The image below taken in another boat. Part of my spiritual lineage is Egyptian. What I know about this painting is that the heart is healed and it is in a boat moving forward in life. It was painted on an eclipse where the masculine and feminine energy is in balance. Much of my initiation and healing has been about balancing the inner masculine and feminine.

I also understand from this image that when two hearts come together in love, a shared heart is created that is greater than both of you.

This is a much deeper story but my intention here is to show the before and after paintings.  I can always trust the vision in my art. It is predictive.m