Love in Heart Space

Unleashing My wild creativity!

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Love in Heart Space…

We all want to be loved and we have all had our share of heart break. I am no exception.

I have had a vision of what relationship would look like, all of my adult life.
I wanted a man who was authentic and knew and loved himself at a deep level. Someone who had done his personal work so he could stay conscious and present in a relationship. My vision was that from there we could meet in heart space and could enhance and transform each other’s lives. You know, the kind of relationship that we think is impossible to create.

I also knew a long time ago that if I was going to be able to create that I would have to become the person I wanted to attract. My desire to have this kind of relationship was so strong that I took the…

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Crossing the Gateway into LOVE

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By Katelyn Mariah, originally published in 2000, in the Edge Magazine

Love is the most powerful force in the Universe, even though it feels as though fear is stronger. It is through the gateway of fear that we come to the true experience of love. Fear becomes the mirror of what lies hidden in the recesses of the self. We fear what we don’t understand in ourselves and others.

When parts of ourself that we don’t except are reflected in another, we fear the other. It is easier to see our disowned self as part of them than to claim it as our own.  We develop fear, become polarized and a conflict is created. When we refuse to claim and love our hidden “unloveable” self, conflict can’t be resolved or transformed and we walk away. 

Society supports the conflict that is created by duality with words such as black/white, good/bad, light/dark and love and fear by making one better than the other. We call them opposites which sets up unconscious programming.

The age old phrase “The opposite sex” sets up unconscious conflict between the Masculine/feminine. The word opposite means “things that are opposed” or “on different ends of the spectrum.” “Opposite sex” sets up unconscious conflict by e the nature of the term— a term used freely in our culture.

On the other hand, change the word from opposite to “compliment,” and a new relationship is created between them, a romance of compliments. There is a natural magnetism between compliments. They support each other and exist side by side. In making a simple change in one word we shift the paradigm and release the conflict and the fear, allowing the journey of love to begin.

In the dance of compliments, the sun couldn’t shine if there wasn’t a dark sky to light up and the moon wouldn’t glow if the sun wasn’t reflecting it’s light on her. Nothing stays the same in nature. Things continue to change and grow like a fine romance. The romance of compliments is a dance of service to each other.

Being in partnership can be the greatest mirror to finding self-love and love for the other, bringing us to our knees in fear as it carries us to new levels of mastery if we let it.

We live in a culture that has nurtured autonomy, rewarding our independent and self-sufficient nature while cramming terms like “needy” and “codependent down our throats. To avoid becoming enmeshed with another, many of us have become masters of the art of autonomy.

After all of the inner searching, discovery and return to balance, we discover that we want to be in relationships, but letting another onto our island of self-sufficiency can not only be tricky, but scary business, and being alone might look more inviting than standing to face our fear.

Partnership with another person is a sacred act, and it should be entered into with a sense of reverence. To dedicate you path to yourself and another must not be taken lightly. This is the person who will be the guardian of your secrets, dreams, fears and wishes so your sense of trust must be deep, for this is sacred space.

The longing, recognition and deep inner knowing you have with someone is only the beginning of learning who they truly are. When love causes you to tremble in fear, do not run away, for those are times of great power and you are standing in front of your greatest teacher.

The dance of romance between compliments can begin to happen as we see and experience the innate beauty and power that is unique to woman and the innate beauty and power unique to men through the eyes of love. When we stand in our power and reflect that beauty, which compliments the other, we will be on our way to healthy male/female relationships, which are a balance of intimacy and autonomy and a reflection of love.

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The Beauty Distortion Part Two

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Once the Beauty Distortion takes hold it keeps you in its grips until you discover it and do something to change it. Often it is held in place by other distortions and becomes a sticky web. Getting to the bottom of it can be tricky but it is work you must be willing to do if you want to be free.

For me and probably many other woman, the distortion happened as a teenager when developmentally we craved acceptance. We wanted to fit in and have our peers, especially boys, find us attractive. Girls wanted boyfriends and boys wanted girlfriends and the most popular people were the ones who had the guy or the girl. It seemed to me it was the first who were pretty that got the guy.  Who can blame a guy for that!
The general consensus at my house was I was fat and ugly and even though that wasn’t true I heard it often enough to believe it was true. In my mind there wasn’t any hope for me unless I change how I looked. I even made my parents send me to “Charm School” and if you read that story you will see, that didn’t work either!

Up until I began my teens I was a Tomboy. I was popular with the boys because I could climb trees, catch frogs, snakes and turtles with my bare hands, build go carts and build forts in the woods. I was one of the boys and I was unafraid. As soon as we hit our teens that wasn’t what boys were looking for from girls. It was confusing for me when their attention changed. At the same time I was being programmed to believe I wasn’t attractive.

The program went on autopilot in my psyche and through years of inner work I unraveled a lot of it. If you read my post yesterday you will remember that my feeling of not being pretty enough came up over the weekend. The timing was perfect because this distortion needs to go. 

This morning when I was thinking about this issue I saw clearly how it didn’t make sense. I thought about all the men I had been in relationships with over the years. I know how it works for men. The physical attraction is the initial draw. Which means they were attracted to my beauty first, they weren’t attracted to me because I was “fat and ugly”! With that in mind, this distortion doesn’t even make sense!

The fact is, I have attracted an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, heart centered man in my life right now , who loves me and I am positive his initial attraction to me was because of my beauty, not because I am physically unattractive, so this crazy belief ve doesn’t work at all!

Like I said at the beginning, these distortions work on autopilot, and control us unconsciously,  until we start unwrapping them!

It’s time to let this crazy shit go!

 

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Confessions of a Charm School Graduate…

Dimensions Of Beauty

I am going to reveal something that I have never told anyone in my adult life. In fact I don’t think I ever told anyone! I am a Wendy Ward Charm School Graduate. Yes you heard me, Charm School, and yes, I did graduate! My best friend, Mary, who was tall and gorgeous and looked like she was in her 20’s when we were only 14, was going and if she was going, so was I. By the way, I wasn’t tall and gorgeous, I was short and curve less and flat chested and looked more like a boy. My parents hope was that Wendy Ward Charm School would make me look and act more like Mary and less like her younger brother John who was also my best friend. That would have been okay with me too, at the time.

For those who don’t know about Wendy Ward Charm…

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The Beauty Distortion

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I don’t believe there is a woman alive who doesn’t have beauty triggers, not even the most recognized beauties, unless they have done their inner work. Julia Roberts , who I consider a true beauty, admits to having issues around her beauty.  Most women are not going to admit to having issues about the way they look because of “ How it Looks” if you do!

It is a sad commentary and most likely a way to maintain control over women and keep them in their place.

The Katelyn Mariah version of not being good enough was “I am not pretty enough”. Every once in a while it comes back to haunt me like it did other night because it’s a cellular wound. Fortunately, because of all of the inner work I have done I was able to witness it and know what was happening.

When I was describing it to a dear friend, I felt like that awkward teenager, who believed that truth. He was able to hold a safe space for me to feel the feelings and cry the tears that were emerging from that old place in me, that still believed it some how.  To be held by a man in a safe place so I could get in touch with this was so healing. It is really hard to tell a man that you have issues about beauty when the original pain can from males.

Because of that hurt place in me, I had a belief that when men rejected me it was because I wasn’t pretty enough and they were off to find someone who was.  I felt like I was good enough on other levels, but not how I looked. I know that you have probably looked ay my photo and see the absurdity in this thinking but for my it was very real.

Where did this come from?

I grew up the only girl with three brothers who convinced me on a daily basis that I was “fat and ugly” neither of which was true. If you hear it often enough it does become your truth, especially if your parents set no limits on that behavior, which mine did not. Their complicity only reinforced the feeling for me. My brothers convinced all of the boys in the neighborhood to echo that same theme back to me. They would gather near my house and taunt me as I walked by. I would try to find ways to come in a back way to avoid the pain.

This theme of not being beautiful or pretty enough was reinforced by the media in magazines and on television. They created an artificial standard for what women should look like and we women watching didn’t realize that these women were starving themselves and being airbrushed to look a certain way. All we knew was that we didn’t look that way!

I don’t know about other women but I imagine many of us if not all bought into the beauty myth. It was apparent that men were being wooed by those images too. Playboy magazine was popular for a reason. Men could fantasize about the ideal woman and go off and try to find her. And guess what, folks, I did not look like her!

That early programming took away my ability to see my own beauty. I know what I saw in the mirror and in photos was skewed by my inner program and it wasn’t what other people saw. I also know that my inability to see myself clearly was reflected in my aura for others to pick up and reflect back to me. I got a lot of that reflection too.

As I have pealed back the layers on this issue over the years and cleared much of this out I have come to an understanding about beauty in general and my beauty specifically. There is more to true beauty than a certain look. It’s a combination of physical appearance, the light you carry, your frequency, how you hold yourself, your confidence and your personality but more importantly how kind you are, the compassion you feel for others, your joy, happiness, aliveness, vulnerability, authenticity, how you love and your happiness. There are so many layers to beauty that it can’t be put into one category.

I can say that I am a beautiful woman who still gets triggered occasionally and I can embrace that as a part of my beauty.

My wish is that all women can find their own beauty and feel it to the core of their being. We are of the Goddess and expression of her beauty on earth. It is time for all women to honor the beauty that they are.
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this theme of not being beautiful or pretty enough was reinforced by the media, on television and in magazines and an artificial standard of beauty was created that still stands today. And we women watching didn’t realize that these women were starving themselves and being air brushed to look a certain way.

 

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