Initiation

Initiation is similar to when we were born. I imagine being born isn’t that fun and it is probably just as painful for the baby in some way as it is for the mother. The baby is leaving the warm, peaceful waters of the womb and is now being squeezed and push through the birth canal. It can take hours, and sometimes days, before they are born.

Personal initiation has the same quality. It is life changing and you are birthing a new you. I know from experience what it is like. You are moved way out of your comfort zone, your peaceful womb called life as you know it, and thrown into the birth canal.

You are squeezed, pushed and pulled to you limit to the point you want to quit to make it go away. You get a break and then another contraction happens. And another, and another. It seems like it takes forever and it will never end.

My contractions are closer together now. Some days are intense. I hope this means my new birth is eminent and expansion into my new life is near.

 

Yesterday I Lost My Mind

Yesterday I lost my mind!

I dropped from my mind into my heart and my heart started to speak about a key issue I have worked on/with for a big part of my life. You know that one that is slippery, yet insidious, that you can’t quite understand? That one that sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

As I wrote in my journal, I watched it unravel, before my eyes, in a way I had never seen before. It because crystal clear so I could see it. I could feel it release from my cells this time and I felt a lightness I had never felt before.

I understood that there is both a collective program/matrix and a personal program/matrix that hold each other in place. It takes deep, deep inner work to extract yourself because these programs reinforce each other so it’s hard to see. I am grateful for my tenacious persistence to do the deep work to free myself. Many people never get free.

I thank my heart for all it has shown me ❤️

And Then There is The Debt!

After surviving and recovering from 5 heart attacks and open heart surgery, comes rebuilding your life. In the midst of rebuilding I had the fifth heart attack. It was stress induced during a traumatic experience, but I was already stressed out due to the debt created by being ill for so long.

Rebuilding your life takes time and monthly bills don’t stop. I understand the concept of barely keeping your head above water. I have been blessed through these three years to have a lot of help from friends so I didn’t fall completely behind. But I am still behind.

I am an artist and an author and also an entrepreneur and have put a number of avenues in place that can provide me with income but they don’t attract customers over night. There is foundational work that has to be done as well as finding the best outlets for marketing so you can attract buyers to your products.  So at this point a little money trickles in and it is unpredictable. It is frustratingly slow.

Every month I reach the middle of the month and begin to worry about how to pay the upcoming bills. This is stress that someone who has survived a life threatening illness shouldn’t have to face, but it happens to millions of people.  The struggle is real and embarrassing!

I had to live on credit cards while I was sick to pay for alternative healing modalities, Naturopathic care and basic living. I maxed out five credit cards. Before I got sick I had 0 credit card debt and lived on cash for 8 years so this was something I didn’t want to do. It was my only option.

Paying credit card bills was the first thing to go. I didn’t have money for basic needs so I couldn’t pay the credit cards. It wasn’t my intention not to pay them.  I get numerous robo calls a day from these creditors. This compounds the stress.

I write this because this is the reality for most people who have faced serious illnesses. It’s a real struggle and it takes a long time for it to shift. I have a lot of compassion for those who are in this situation and I know how they are feeling. It is scary, embarrassing, frustrating and anxiety producing to not be able to pay your bills.

Today I had the Sheriff at my door and I was served with papers. American Express is suing me for $4469.35. I have 20 days to respond. Of course I don’t have that kind of money laying around.

Tomorrow I call an attorney…and hope for the best outcome.

It is easy to jump into the future and think about worse case scenarios, which is what I did at first. That isn’t going to help my situation. I am just focusing on the minutes in front of me.

 

 

 

Notre Dame “OurLady” rising from the Ashes.

The disempowered Feminine…I believe that many women I know who are on a spiritual path will relate to this.

She is the disempowered Feminine that has been held back by the patriarchy. She feels alone, she struggles to create abundance for herself, her heart is broken, and all of this wears on her health and well-being.

I felt this to the core of my being in the early morning Today, triggered by the events of the last three weeks, a conversation with a friend yesterday and the inferno burning from the heart of Norte Dame, Our Lady. It felt like a knife going through my heart.

I wrote this in my journal “What was the point of working on conscious awakening for 32 years if this is what I woke up to! What it looks like I woke up to being all alone, having a health issue, that goes on and on and I have no money. I was better off when I was asleep!!!” This is the archetype of the disempowered Feminine, and it shot through me like a lightning bolt! This has nothing to do with being a victim, this is what women have felt for a very long time.

The old disempowered Feminine (Norte Dame) held back by the patriarchy, kept under wraps in the cathedral, was burning away, released in the flames through the core of her being, and I directly across the ocean was feeing in the core of my being.

Why? Why did I have to feel this disempowerment so deeply?

Because I came to this planet to help Awaken the Empowered Divine Feminine. I carry an extremely high level of feminine energy, I have known that for a very time. I paint this new energy of the Feminine and have for 25 years, even when I didn’t know that was what I was doing. I have been following the pulse of the Great Mother.

I have felt this deep disempowerment at times, especially the last three years so that I can bring forward extreme empowerment for women.

Who are my sisters? Are you feeling this too? It’s time to rise up from the ashes and be heard! The resurrection of the Feminine.

Image from my Resilient Heart series.

Is There a Problem with Public Inquiry on Facebook.

On Thursday I made this post on my Facebook page,

“I am questioning my choice to be authentic on social media and in my writing. Does it really matter, does it really have value, does it make a difference, does it just create distance and misunderstanding, does it just create a reason for people to judge, is it worth me being uncomfortable and courageous because it might help someone or is it best to keep my true experiences to myself?

Until I figure that out, this will be my last post for a while.

For clarity, this post isn’t about me want approval for anything. It is me questioning if there is value to being authentic in this medium and in my writing, which I put a lot of time and effort into,in hopes of inspiring and encouraging.

It has nothing to do with being authentic in my life in general.”

Here is my conclusion…so far…

I have chosen to be very open about the process I have been going through the last three years. I believed that if I could be vulnerable and authentic and share the good, bad an ugly it would be helpful to people to see that we can move through something traumatic and have a positive outcome. This took courage on my part. 

In retrospect I think I was wrong in thinking it would be helpful. 

Here is why…

It is messy when we are shifting consciousness. It looks like we don’t know what we are doing. It looks like we aren’t very evolved. It looks like we don’t understand. We look foolish and it looks like we need help. 

The truth is, true healing comes from going through the process and coming out of the mess transformed. We learn through our own discovery and through our inner process of finding the answer that is right for us. 

This public vulnerability, unfortunately, opens the field for others to want to fix you, help you feel better, give you advice, share techniques and solutions that might shift you, judge you, (which by the way can be felt in the field if you are sensitive) and whatever else people do when they feel uncomfortable. All of that is human nature. 

None of those things is helpful to any of us when we are in that space. I think what we are asking in sharing in a vulnerable way is a compassionate witness. We want to know that people are behind us as we move through a difficult experience. That by itself can help you keep going. None of us is doing our own process wrong. It’s all perfect. 

As we are shifting into a new frequency on the planet we are all learning a new language, new behaviors and new ways of interacting with the field. The ways that use to work, don’t work any more but it is what we know.  We are all on a learning curve and NO ONE is making the shift perfectly or gracefully. I know I am not. 

And so what I have learned is this kind of personal, vulnerable inquiry is better done in my blog, where things are in one place, and where there is cohesion, so if someone desired they could follow the thread to see how I got from A to Z. The problem with FB is you might see A, H and Q in not know the rest of the story. 

That’s what I know so far.