Tag Archives: authenticity

Is There a Problem with Public Inquiry on Facebook.


On Thursday I made this post on my Facebook page,

“I am questioning my choice to be authentic on social media and in my writing. Does it really matter, does it really have value, does it make a difference, does it just create distance and misunderstanding, does it just create a reason for people to judge, is it worth me being uncomfortable and courageous because it might help someone or is it best to keep my true experiences to myself?

Until I figure that out, this will be my last post for a while.

For clarity, this post isn’t about me want approval for anything. It is me questioning if there is value to being authentic in this medium and in my writing, which I put a lot of time and effort into,in hopes of inspiring and encouraging.

It has nothing to do with being authentic in my life in general.”

Here is my conclusion…so far…

I have chosen to be very open about the process I have been going through the last three years. I believed that if I could be vulnerable and authentic and share the good, bad an ugly it would be helpful to people to see that we can move through something traumatic and have a positive outcome. This took courage on my part. 

In retrospect I think I was wrong in thinking it would be helpful. 

Here is why…

It is messy when we are shifting consciousness. It looks like we don’t know what we are doing. It looks like we aren’t very evolved. It looks like we don’t understand. We look foolish and it looks like we need help. 

The truth is, true healing comes from going through the process and coming out of the mess transformed. We learn through our own discovery and through our inner process of finding the answer that is right for us. 

This public vulnerability, unfortunately, opens the field for others to want to fix you, help you feel better, give you advice, share techniques and solutions that might shift you, judge you, (which by the way can be felt in the field if you are sensitive) and whatever else people do when they feel uncomfortable. All of that is human nature. 

None of those things is helpful to any of us when we are in that space. I think what we are asking in sharing in a vulnerable way is a compassionate witness. We want to know that people are behind us as we move through a difficult experience. That by itself can help you keep going. None of us is doing our own process wrong. It’s all perfect. 

As we are shifting into a new frequency on the planet we are all learning a new language, new behaviors and new ways of interacting with the field. The ways that use to work, don’t work any more but it is what we know.  We are all on a learning curve and NO ONE is making the shift perfectly or gracefully. I know I am not. 

And so what I have learned is this kind of personal, vulnerable inquiry is better done in my blog, where things are in one place, and where there is cohesion, so if someone desired they could follow the thread to see how I got from A to Z. The problem with FB is you might see A, H and Q in not know the rest of the story. 

That’s what I know so far.

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, Just thoughts, Personal development

Thirty Years Ago I Almost Died


“Swan Song” 22×30 watercolor and acrylic/with mica March 2002 Katelyn Mariah

It is true, on March 4th, 1985 I woke in ICU from an 8 hour surgery that saved my life and asked my husband for a divorce.  My surgeon told me that 99% of people who get what I had died because it was so difficult to find.  They found mine in the 11th hour and I survived.

My first thoughts as I regained consciousness and realized I was still here were, “If I am still alive I must have a purpose and it is wasn’t to stay trapped in a miserable marriage.”  What I sensed was a purpose seemed big and I felt an urgency to find it.  An urgency that would drive me for many years to come and leave me with a sense that I still hadn’t found what I stayed here to do.

I was so driven to find the reason that I chose to stay that I couldn’t even see the things I had accomplished because I was moving so fast.  I knew I wanted my life to have meaning and I wanted to have an impact on other people.  In my mind it seemed like I had to do something really big to accomplish that.  I think that people who know me would find this whole thing funny because I have a long list of things I have accomplished in the last 30 years, more than most people ever accomplish.  Many of the things on my list are things most people don’t get a chance to do.  I have a friend who routinely says to me “You know how to do That too?  What don’t you do?”  I was too busy searching to really notice.

I think my sense of urgency came from the fact that I almost died and it could happen again before I discovered my purpose.  Urgency can cloud the issue and keep you focused in the future.  That is what it did for me.   It comes with a sense of holding your breath, just waiting for something big to happen.  Waiting to exhale…

I also think there was a part of me that felt that I had to prove that my life was worth saving!  At that point in my life I was in an abusive relationship feeling pretty worthless so I had to do something really big to prove myself.  I don’t feel that way now but I do think my subconscious was seeded with that thought 30 years ago and that has also been a driving force.

Now on the 30th anniversary of this event, I find myself pondering this whole idea of accomplishment.  Does it matter if I accomplish something big?  What if I really haven’t had an impact on people, does that diminish who I am?  What if no one has even noticed what I have been doing the last 30 years, would that mean I was wrong in thinking there was something big I had to do?  What if I don’t find that life partner that I have always thought I would find? Has my time been wasted?

The reality is, just being on this planet during a time of so much turmoil and transformation is a big accomplishment. Making a daily commitment to become more conscious, kinder, more loving, think positively, enjoy this grand adventure called life is a big accomplishment.  The fact that I survived and chose to stay here for another 30 years is a big accomplishment.  I got a second chance and that in itself is pretty big.

The bigger reality is, each of us is important in the grand scheme of things just by our very existence.  We each carry a frequency, vibration and wisdom that no other human being carries.  We are all connected to each other through the web of life and what you do impacts the whole. I have actually seen the web that links us all together, I have seen the fluid that flows between us and we are all part of it.  The phrase “We are all one” is true because we are a part of the whole.  Your kindness to someone else impacts me, my love for someone impacts you.  The same is true with my frustration or your anger.  We are impacting each other every day. We are all breathing the same air which is the breath of God.

We don’t have to accomplish big things to make a difference, that is just a program we have bought into.

It doesn’t matter what people think about us, what people say about us, how people judge us.  None of that matters.

I think what really matters is do you love yourself and are you being the authentic expression of who you are? Are you as full on when you are eating an apple as when you are jumping out of a plane for the first time or standing in a temple in Bali.  Are you full on staring out into space “doing nothing” as you are making $5000 in a day.

Full on, self loving, authentic expression, no matter what you are doing, is the accomplishment!!!

Just Breathe….


Filed under Just thoughts

Authenticity is Magnetic


Writing a book is leaves you feeling vulnerable, especially one with a lot of personal content in it.

As each book goes out and into the hands of someone who will read it, you almost feel like you are holding your breath.  My book is a sacred part of my in which I poured my heart and soul and it reveals parts of me that no one knows about.  It puts who I am into a complete package standing in front of the reader.  On a very human level we all wonder what people will think of us and I am no exception.  I had to let go of caring about that enough so that I could send this work out into the world but the sense of vulnerability is still there.

On the other hand those books that have a lot of personal content in them have a way of pulling you and your life together in a new way.  That has been my experience.  I have had many paths in this lifetime, I have been an artist, an entrepreneur, a designer, a game developer, a psychologist, a writer and a business builder, and it has always felt like something was missing.  I have been looking for years for that thread that holds all those parts of me together rather than feeling like each one had its own compartment.

Up until this point it felt like I was on a lot of paths all going in different directions and I could only do them one at a time.  What this meant was that if I was engaged in one pursuit, say psychology, there wasn’t any time or energy for being an artist or a writer.  When I was into my art was like I went into a vortex and time and space disappeared and that was all I could focus on.

With the book being finished I feel like it has pulled all of my gifts and talents together.  Why is that?  Because it pulled me back together.  It brought all those parts of me back into a complete whole.  I feel like the artist, the entrepreneur, the designer, the game developer, the psychologist, the writer and the business women are all the same and that I don’t have to be one or the other I can be all of it and no part of me is diminished.

I am noticing in the process that I am becoming visible, where I have often felt invisible.  When we hold back and hide we become invisible, no one notices you because you don’t want them to.

The Universe stands up and supports you when you come into your authentic self and radiate it into the world.  Authenticity is magnetic!



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Re-Wilding our Imaginations

“What if the way out can be much sexier than buying things or changing legislation? What if it is more fun, and more colorful? What if the way out has to do with “re-wilding” our imaginations, undomesticating our lives, and reclaiming not only our rights but also our health?”  Malia Burkhart

When I read Malia’s blog post about the 99 or One and the occupy movement it struck a chord with me.  I especially like the concept of re-wilding our imaginations, undomesticating our lives and reclaiming our rights and our health. First of all I like the made up words because they go against domestication and move toward reclaiming our wildness.   This reminds me of the Wild Woman movement started by  Clarissa Pinkola Estes and her book “Women who Run With Wolves” in the early 1990’s and how that stirred me at the time.  I was even part of a Wild Women artist group and we did a lot of wild and crazy things together.

This quote from the book brings up wonderful images of what that might begin to look like:

“Within in every woman there is a wild and natural creature, a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity, and ageless knowing.  Her name is Wild Woman, but she is an endangered species.  Though the gifts of the wildish nature come to us at birth, society’s attempt to “civilize” us into rigid roles has plundered the treasure, and muffled the deep, life-giving messages of our own souls.  Without Wild Women, we become over-domesticated, fearful, uncreative and trapped.

“To adjoin the instinctual nature does not mean to come undone, change everything from left to right, from black to white, to move the east to west, to act crazy or out of control. It does not mean to lose one’s primary socializations, or to become less human. It means quite the opposite. The wild nature has a vast integrity to it”

“La Loba (Wolf Woman), the old one, the One Who Knows, is within us. She thrives in the deepest soul-psyche of women, the ancient and vital Wild Woman. She describes her home as that place in time where the spirit of women and the spirit of wolf meet the place where her mind and her instincts mingle, where a woman’s deep life funds her mundane life. It is the point where the I and the Thou kiss, the place where women run with the wolves”

I believe the same is true for men.  We have been domesticate yet that doesn’t mean that domestication has to be our primary mode of operation.   Domestication has little to do with our authentic wild self and a lot to do with conformity and fitting in.  It has little to do with what our heart and soul desires and more about being enslaved.

“Nature and human beings are not separate. You can be sure that when the land and creatures are wounded by humans, that those humans are copying their own psychic wounds into the earth and animals as well; what is wounded and without thought, wounds others…”

~From essay “Massacre of the Dreamers, in “Untie The Strong Woman book” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

In one of my favorite children’s books, Maurice Sendak  tells the story of Max, who one evening plays around his home making “mischief” in a wolf costume.  As punishment, his mother sends him to bed without supper. That is how we were all domesticated, we were punished for doing things that didn’t fit the status quo.  In his room, a mysterious, wild forest and sea grows out of his imagination, and Max sails to the land of the Wild Things. The Wild Things are fearsome-looking monsters, but Max proves to be the fiercest,conquering them by “staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once”, and he is made “the king of all wild things”, dancing with the monsters in a “wild rumpus”.

Social programming has left us over-domesticated, fearful, uncreative and trapped.   We have projected our own wounds on how we treat nature and the earth.  I think that is what we are witnessing right now, right along side of a movement around the world of people banding together to break free of it.  Estes Pinkola and Sendak were planting seeds toward this movement and now those seeds are blossoming.  I think we have reached momentum and that is what we are watching now in the freedom movements across the globe.  People are so tired of feeling fearful, uncreative and trapped that they are willing to give their lives to change things.

This piggy-backs so well on my current writing about embracing our authentic selves and the beauty of “weirdness”.  We have been away from our wildish nature too long as slaves to domestication and social programming.  It is exciting to watch people waking up and begin to explore the wild and natural creature that they are.

This is not an easy process because it means questioning all the things we were taught as children.  It means letting go of judgment, self censorship and comparing. It means moving toward acceptance of self and others, of saying what is on our minds and not worrying about what others think and not comparing ourselves to each other in order to fit in and feel accepted because that is where the creative juice and genius is.  That is the edge of the norm and the beginning of new territory.  That is where the gate to the playground is.  From that place we can burst forth a new world and our life, our health and our soul depends on it.  If we lived from that place there would be no need for Occupy Movements.

Doesn’t that sound more colorful and sexy than what we have been doing for way too long?


Here is my favorite photo of myself hanging out with wild things…


Filed under Just thoughts, Personal development

Day Six-Experiment in Living Spontaneously

I used to think that running an organization was equivalent to conducting a symphony orchestra. But I don’t think that’s quite it; it’s more like jazz. There is more improvisation.
~Warren Bennis

Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.
~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Today, “Creating Your” Day is about authenticity and leadership.  My goal with this blog is to be open and honest about my journey. This is about me being real. My writing has always been about that.  I am writing about my personal journey building my own business and the ease and discomfort of doing that.  I am writing about what it took me to get here.  That is about what creating my day consciously, is about.

Just because I am a Double Diamond in my company, which is a leadership level (it is six levels above entry level), doesn’t mean I have mastered all of the skills it requires and now I do them perfectly and I am not going to pretend that I do.  My gut feeling tells me it is freeing to others to know that it is not always easy even for the leaders.  I am just a person like anyone else, building a business. I got promoted into leadership one level at a time while I grew as a person.

When someone moves into a leadership position in a company there is an assumption that it is always easy and enjoyable for them and that they know everything.  People will say, “it is easy for you to do that” and “You are lucky, you’re a Double Diamond”, but it is not always easy, and comfortable and there is continual personal growth that happens even at the top. The distinction I will make is that because I am a leader, I am going to do something even if it makes me uncomfortable and I am not going to be afraid to say it wasn’t my favorite thing to do.

I don’t have years of experience in Network Marketing, I have been doing it for a several years and only seriously for three. I was a distributor in a couple of companies before I found It Works Global but  I have never built a successful business, this is my first. There are a lot of people in my company with years of experience or extremely out going personalities who are moving at warp speed and promoting quickly.  The beauty is you don’t have to have those two things going for you to make it to the top of this business.  You just have to have the willingness to do things that aren’t comfortable and get out of your own way.  That is the kind of company It Works Global is.

One of my reasons for writing this blog is because I love the business model of Network Marketing, because it is a vehicle for financial freedom for everyone, and I believe that anyone can do it.  I mean anyone. I would love to see everyone financially free and Network Marketing is one of the only ways that the average person can do that.  I think people quit as soon as it gets uncomfortable.  For some that is right after they sign up, for some it is when someone says ‘no’ for the first time, which could be the first day, and some people start to taste freedom and that makes them uncomfortable and they quit.

I am writing to encourage people not to quit, no matter what, and if hearing that it is not always easy for me to build my business, even though I am a leader, makes someone quit, they quit too soon.  They have just used me as their excuse to do it.

When I was still working and my job paid for all of my living expenses I could pick and choose the ways I wanted to build my business, based on what was fun and what was easy for me to do.  Now that I am no longer working, and the purpose of this  “Create Your Day Experiment” is to re-invent myself, how I do life and how I build my business. Now I have to do things that take me out of my comfort zone so I can expand and grow more.  I could pretend that it is easy smeazy for me to reinvent myself, but I would be lying.

I could just write about all of my successes, all of the great things I am doing as a leader and no one would ever have to know what is underneath.  Just think of all the people who would flock to me because I could be their fearless leader.  I could be shooting myself in the foot with this blog, but authenticity is more important to me.  If my admission of humanness makes me seem weak, insecure, fearful and not a capable leader….trust me, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I do have many natural-born leadership skills, including integrity, authenticity and creativity.  I am nurturing, supportive and a good listener and I understand human nature.  I am a visionary, intuitive, I can see from a more expanded view-point than many people, I know how to dream and make dreams a reality.  I am tenacious and I don’t give up.  The leadership skills and business building skills that I find more challenging are the things I am working on and I am not afraid to say out loud that I am not good at them and they are challenging for me.

Leaders are more powerful role models when they learn than when they teach.
~Rosabeth Moss Kantor

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Filed under 31 Day experiment in Living Spontaneously, Entrepreneurship, network marketing, Personal development