Category Archives: A wakening consciousness

Third Anniversary of Heart Attack

 

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Three years ago today, on the Equinox, I had the first of three heart attacks, that resulted in my having open heart surgery.  This first heart attack lead me on an amazing journey home to my heart. I painted this painting to celebrate the anniversary and my healthy ❤️

Early in the morning, three years ago, I had a dream that was a sacred ceremony in which the six pointed star was placed in my heart and the Vesica Pisces was placed in my womb. Both of these are symbols of balancing the Masculine and Feminine energies. So is the Equinox. I woke up knowing something powerful had just happened. That evening I had the heart attack.

I was blindsided. Soul contracts are like that!

That began a 2 1/2 year journey of self discovery, where I found out what I was capable of doing under extreme pressure. It showed me what I was truly made of and that I could endure the worst and become my best. It showed me my mortality and highlighted my desire to live❤️

This journey brought me back to my heart, which is the source of my wisdom. I know what my heart desires and what it doesn’t. It brought me back to my purpose, which is to share my love and deep wisdom through my art and I am committed and dedicated to that purpose now more than ever. No more distractions.

My heart is open. It is tender, sensitive and knowing as well as strong, wise and healthy. I am at home in my heart.

Thank you for witnessing my process, loving me through it, shoring me up when I needed it and showing me the importance of surrounding yourself with a community of care.

Sharing this journey was the most vulnerable thing I have done and not easy, but it felt important.

That chapter is done and I am onto a new chapter.

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, Awakening The Inner Physician, heart Health, Resilient Heart, Uncategorized

A Time to Incubate

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I believe there are times where it is important to share our stories authentically as ther unfold. It can be healing for the teller and the listener. You will know when that time is.

And other times when it is time to incubate and hold the new story tenderly. We don’t want outside influences when we are nurturing a new story.

For now, as I write my new story, I hold it in sacred space within my heart, as its midwife💚…while it incubates ❤️

I am at the end of the bridge between the old story and the new story just about to step into the new. The sacred space of new beginnings.

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, new beginnings, Personal development, Stories

I thought this was how the brain was supposed to work…

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Its my nature to think differently, challenge the status quo and come up with new, innovative ways of looking at things. I have done it since I was a child, it’s just my nature. I always felt there were more than one way to look at things and I was going to find them. That is what made me a good therapist. It is also what makes my art so unique.

I just thought that was how the brain worked. I didn’t understand that it was a unique gift, though over the years people would tell me I thought differently. I always thought to myself, doesn’t everyone?

About 5 days before I had the first of three heart attacks a friend did a interview quiz with me that was supposed to hone in on my Why.  The results were that I naturally think differently and challenge the status quo. From the results, “ you do not believe in the norm or following the rules or drawing inside the lines. It is far more natural for you to rebel against the stereotypical or classical ways of doing things. You naturally seek unique ways of approaching the world and finding solutions that no one else has considered.”

She told me that one of the challenges of having this why is you are generally unaware of it and therefore do not appreciate what a unique gift it truly is.  Yes, I didn’t know it was different than the way other people’s brain worked so how could I see it as a gift.

Five days after making this discovery I had a heart attack and staying true to my nature I started thinking about what was happening to me differently and thinking how I could challenge the status quo to see if I could find a more natural way to heal the issue.

In this case the status quo was the medical system, which came with its own set of challenges.

I was tapping into my natural intelligence in a way that was normal for me, but this time I had the understanding that I had a gift in the way I looked at things differently.  I thought that if that was true, sharing what I discovered might be helpful to other people because I was finding things that were outside of the traditional box of healing and they were working for me. I also felt that sharing the experience, openly and authentically as I was going through it might be helpful too because I was coming at that from a different perspective and that might be helpful to someone else.

The other thing that was happening simultaneously was, my heart was opening up in a new and expanded way that I had never experienced before. I was communicating from a new space, the heart.

There were no ulterior motives like changing peoples minds or getting some kind of approval or getting my ego stroked. If sharing,  to maybe help other people is an ulterior motive, than I am indeed guilty of that. If enjoying the rich dialogue and creative thinking of other people because it pushed me to look deeper and missing that when it didn’t happen is an ulterior motive, I am also guilty of that.

Had I not gotten the understanding a few days earlier that I had a unique perspective to share I would have worked through my healing process in my journal as I always had. It was a soul prompting to share it publicly and trust me when I say that wasn’t my idea of a good time for all kinds of reasons.

I was told by my soul to do it, I did it and now I am questioning if it was a good Idea.

It really is that simple.

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, health and wellness, heart Health

I Think the term “social media “ confused me.

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I have been having a dialogue on Facebook about whether to share authentic experience or not. It was a genuine inquiry I was having with myself because part of me felt it wasn’t working. I often get a lot of comments, Hearts and thumbs ups on some of my post so it wasn’t about not being seen. I am starting to see what might have been coming up for me whempn I wrote this blog about how I did Facebook in general.  It all started with this series of questions and a rich dialogue insued.

“I am questioning my choice to be authentic on social media and in my writing. Does it really matter, does it really have value, does it make a difference, does it just create distance and misunderstanding, does it just create a reason for people to judge, is it worth me being uncomfortable and courageous because it might help someone or is it best to keep my true experiences to myself?

Until I figure that out, this will be my last post for a while.

It is me questioning if there is value to being authentic in this medium and in my writing, which I put a lot of time and effort into,in hopes of inspiring and encouraging. “

I wasn’t really angry or making someone wrong or saying I was wrong, it was a genuine inquiry about was the way I was posting working, because I was feeling that it wasn’t.

The dialogue that came from this post and a subsequent post was rich, informative and was helping me get clarity in interesting ways. But a couple of things were confusing to me.

Suggestions to re-evaluate my thinking weren’t landing right, nor were suggested techniques for going deeper within my self. A handful of people suggested that I wouldn’t be having these questions if I just “write for myself and don’t worry about what people think”.  One person even put it in all caps so I wouldn’t miss it.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the point of writing. Isn’t the point of writing and painting to communicate something to the world?

When I write I am having a dialogue with you, I am not just talking to myself. To me it is different than writing a newspaper article, which isn’t a written dialogue, it is a one sided sharing of facts.

When I write I feel like I am with you, like we are out to coffee connecting and my post is part of the dialogue. I don’t go out to coffee with someone to have a conversation with myself. I could stay home and do that. When I write on Facebook is a conversation with you, the person reading what I wrote.  I don’t see my posts as a diary where I am writing to me for myself.  It’s a real, conversation with real live people. My heart and soul desire real interaction.

My life has always been about creativity, imagination, the supernatural and expressing from that space, to make connections with my fellow human beings.  I am a deep person and I realize now that might be at issue here too.

I am not one to share what other people write without adding my one thoughts and understanding to it. I might find a quote and use it as a jumping off point or to reinforce the thought I am sharing.  My process goes like this…I am having a curious thought about something or I just had an experience and I think I will share it with my friends because it might spark something in them that they can relate to. Depending on what it is, I think sharing it might be helpful to someone as well. (Some might see this as an ulterior motive, I guess). At any rate I think it might be an interesting thing to have a conversation about so I post it on my Facebook page.

I feel like there is a richness that happens when we share our experiences with each other. It’s a co-creative process. We aren’t separate, we are having a human experience together. I feel like the conversation is about us. This is the same way I write when I right books.

I don’t know if it works this way for everyone or if this is just the way a creative mind works. I think we are on earth to experience the richness of human connection, to share with each other, and learn from each other. We feel less separate. The only way I know how to do that is through dialogue and interaction. Social media allows us to do that even if we are thousands of miles away. I don’t feel the distance though, I feel like we’re are just across the table from each other, sharing coffee.

Just like any interaction there are an array of feelings that come up, some we like and some are less pleasant, but none of them means someone is wrong or that I don’t love myself enough, because if I did I wouldn’t have negative feelings.

I get it that it is less likely that I would bring up feelings if I just wrote for myself.  The truth is if I just wrote for myself, I would see no reason in posting it on my Facebook page.

So is Social Media, just another media outlet or is it a place to be social?

 

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, health and wellness, heart Health, Uncategorized

Is There a Problem with Public Inquiry on Facebook.

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On Thursday I made this post on my Facebook page,

“I am questioning my choice to be authentic on social media and in my writing. Does it really matter, does it really have value, does it make a difference, does it just create distance and misunderstanding, does it just create a reason for people to judge, is it worth me being uncomfortable and courageous because it might help someone or is it best to keep my true experiences to myself?

Until I figure that out, this will be my last post for a while.

For clarity, this post isn’t about me want approval for anything. It is me questioning if there is value to being authentic in this medium and in my writing, which I put a lot of time and effort into,in hopes of inspiring and encouraging.

It has nothing to do with being authentic in my life in general.”

Here is my conclusion…so far…

I have chosen to be very open about the process I have been going through the last three years. I believed that if I could be vulnerable and authentic and share the good, bad an ugly it would be helpful to people to see that we can move through something traumatic and have a positive outcome. This took courage on my part. 

In retrospect I think I was wrong in thinking it would be helpful. 

Here is why…

It is messy when we are shifting consciousness. It looks like we don’t know what we are doing. It looks like we aren’t very evolved. It looks like we don’t understand. We look foolish and it looks like we need help. 

The truth is, true healing comes from going through the process and coming out of the mess transformed. We learn through our own discovery and through our inner process of finding the answer that is right for us. 

This public vulnerability, unfortunately, opens the field for others to want to fix you, help you feel better, give you advice, share techniques and solutions that might shift you, judge you, (which by the way can be felt in the field if you are sensitive) and whatever else people do when they feel uncomfortable. All of that is human nature. 

None of those things is helpful to any of us when we are in that space. I think what we are asking in sharing in a vulnerable way is a compassionate witness. We want to know that people are behind us as we move through a difficult experience. That by itself can help you keep going. None of us is doing our own process wrong. It’s all perfect. 

As we are shifting into a new frequency on the planet we are all learning a new language, new behaviors and new ways of interacting with the field. The ways that use to work, don’t work any more but it is what we know.  We are all on a learning curve and NO ONE is making the shift perfectly or gracefully. I know I am not. 

And so what I have learned is this kind of personal, vulnerable inquiry is better done in my blog, where things are in one place, and where there is cohesion, so if someone desired they could follow the thread to see how I got from A to Z. The problem with FB is you might see A, H and Q in not know the rest of the story. 

That’s what I know so far.

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, Just thoughts, Personal development