Tag Archives: heart attack

What Looks Like Chaos is Often Really Order

 

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Painting by Katelyn Mariah, title The Compass of the Heart.

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ~ Cynthia Occelli

Be careful what you ask for because the Universe can be very efficient!

Often when someone comes down with a life threatening illness, people say to the that they created it with there thoughts, because that is what the Law of Attraction Movement has thought us.

For the most part this is not a compliment about how powerful a creator you are but a shaming comment about the “mess” you have created.

I invite you to set that aside for a moment and look at a different perspective.

Yes, I created the heart journey I have been on for 3+ years, but not out of a negative construct but out of positive intention setting.

Say, What?

My positive intentions set this all in motion so that I COULD realize my desires.

On March 8, 2016 I did a release and intention setting ritual on an important date astrologically for me. I remember thinking “I hope I didn’t do too much”. Oops, too late!

I am in fact a powerful creator and manifesting magnetic and what might look like a “big mess” is really the most efficient way to get to what I desire to create.  Twelve days after the ritual I had the first heart attack.

Everything that was not in alignment with my desire had to be released.  These were cellular issues that I couldn’t see, that having a series of Heart events helped me see clearly.  We see this clearing happening on the personal and planetary level right now. The weather is a great purging force. In my case my whole world had to fall apart to be put back together in a new way so my path was clear.

The Law of Attraction would have us believe that we desire something and boom it’s there in front of you. This is rarely true. Yes I have had a few instant manifestation but they are more the exception and not the rule.  We waste a lot of time feeling shame and being hard on ourselves because we don’t have the Law of Attraction wand of instant manifestation. Surely we must be doing something wrong.

Oh no we aren’t.

The Universe and my soul chose the fastest, most efficient way to clear the path for me to manifest my desires. I could have set intentions Year after year until the cows came home and never seen the results I wanted.  I am starting to see evidence in my life that I am moving in the direction of my dreams.

Having your heart broken open over and over and facing death is great at revealing what you need to see. Ohms and a magic wand would never have shown me what I needed to see.

I have a deep sense of peace, purpose and rightness about what I have gone through and how it’s serving my evolution.

So, what looks like chaos is often really order in the big scheme of things!

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, heart Health, law of attraction, Resilient Heart

Sometimes Life Sucks!

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I am an optimistic and positive person by nature and that is why I have survived all of the challenges I have experienced but I have to tell you,

*There is a lot that sucks about having a tumor on the back of your heart!
*There is a lot that sucks about having 5 heart attacks and recovering from them.
*There is a lot that sucks about having open heart surgery and recovering from it. Like having your chest and sternum sawed open.
* There is a lot that sucks about arguing with doctors who want you to take a handful of pharmaceuticals and tell you you will die if you don’t when you know your body would heal using natural medicine.
*There is a lot that sucks about not having a partner to support you through it. When I am on the ledge and no one is around I have to talk myself down.
*There is a lot that sucks about losing all of your savings, maxing out credit cards after paying them all off, and losing your livelihood because you had to pay out of pocket to save your life
*There is a lot that sucks about recovering from one heart attack only to have another and another.
*There is a lot that sucks about having a heart attack in a foreign country, being in a hospital for a week where no one speaks your language
*There is a lot that sucks about asking friends for money!
*There is a lot that sucks about having to go to the food shelf
* There were many times that I wanted to quit
*There is a lot that sucks that I left out of this post.

There I have said it! I might make it look easy but it has been extremely difficult!

It would be so appreciated if you could donate to this fundraiser so I can take care of this Tumor naturally because trust me, having surgery would suck big time!

#beingreal

Katelyn’s Fundraiser

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Between Uncertainty and Possibilities

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This is where I am, in the uncertainty and unlimited possibilities. Some days I can see the possibilities and other days I just see what’s holding me back.

I am rebuilding at a time in my life when I wasn’t expecting to rebuild. Having my life disrupted for three years with my health was a big challenge, especially for someone who was always healthy, always on the go, always creating.

I have recreated myself and now am recreating my life. It’s exciting and sometimes challenging. Maintaining peace and trust isn’t always easy. Sometimes I don’t feel peace and feel fear.

Having another heart event 5 weeks ago sucked. I am still recovering. Some days I feel great and others days I don’t. I look healthy but my body is still healing.

I have so many things I want to create and have to remember that if my body says it needs to rest, I have to honor that and not try to push through like I use to. Sometimes I feel the pressure to do when I don’t want to do anything. I let it go because I trust the perfection of my path.

It is hard for someone who hasn’t had the experience to understand what it’s like to have your life disrupted for three years because of health.
It disrupts you on all levels. Not only has your body changed but the way you think and feel changes too.  I believe that most people who have been challenged by a life threatening illness have PTSD. You wonder if you will ever get better and when the next issue is going to pop up, and if that pain you are feeling is serious or not.
Most people also experience financial trauma. Yes it is traumatic when you lose your source of income, drain your savings and max out all your credit cards and still have bills to pay every month.  This shouldn’t happen to someone who should be focusing on healing.  I know a lot of people going through this right now and when they publicly have to ask for help it’s embarrassing. It’s the last thing they want to have to do. Talk about stress!
The medical system in the US needs to be Rebuilt. It is in the dark ages when it comes to holistic health. The only way to truly heal is holistically and if we want to give ourselves the best health care we have to look outside of the system and pay for it ourselves.
I am committed to being a bridge between the medical system and the holistic health community through my work.

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The Wrong Person Can be Lurking Anywhere.

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At the end of February this year I decided to look at renter options. I live in a big house and several people had encouraged me to rent one of my rooms. One friend was very persistent about it, to the point of being demanding, and I couldn’t get her voice out of my mind.

I had rented space in my house many times before but not in about 10 years. I really didn’t want to do it and that should have been my first clue.

I was looking at Craigslist on a whim and found an ad that sounded like something I could do short term. This is the ad:

 Two Month Rental wanted for March and April (St. Paul) 

Good morning,

My 6 month lease is up at the end of February and I have an apartment lined up for May 1st. However that leaves a two month time frame where I need to find a temporary place.

Brief about me:
I’m a writer in my early 30’s that works at a well established art gallery in downtown St. Paul 6 days a week (sometimes 7) 9-11 hour days.My work schedule is typically 10 am to 9pm. Sometimes the start and end times fluctuate an hour.

I dont drink or party. I do not mind those who do, as long as they remain respectful and safe to be around.

I do not have a significant other, so I won’t be having any over night guests.

I moved back to Minnesota in mid August from San Diego where I worked at a Greyhound rescue center. Aside from California and my college days in Denver I’ve lived and worked in the twin cities for most of my life.

My hope is to find a simple and safe living arrangement that is as close to my job if not closer. That leaves about a 10 mile max commute out of downtown. I love to bike to work in the summer so location is a factor. I’m a very clean and organized person, but that’s just me. I’ve lived happily with messy people during times in my life.

I also enjoy oddjob DIY home improvement projects when im not working . The homeowner of my current rental in South St lowered my rent to redo his basement and vestibule, which he was very happy with. I’m in good shape physically and can contribute basic handy man skills and yard work.

I’ve never been evicted from anywhere or late on a rental payment.

I’d really appreciate responses from individuals looking for a temporary renter or a month to month basis. I have May 1st all lined up for housing, just unfortunately, not the immediate two months. Any responses would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for your time and consideration.

-LW “

This person sounded perfect. I could do this for two months and it would be a win/win for both of us. I could make some extra money, which I needed, and he would have an interim place to stay.

Before he moved in I met his aunt, who is a Judge for the State of Minnesota. I said to her “He seems like a great guy” to which she replied that he was and she hope this would be a good situation for both of us.  With the information in his ad and his aunts affirmation it looked like a go. ( I found out later that she purposely withheld information because he was living in her son’s basement and they wanted him out. She actually put my life in jeopardy because she knew he was dangerous)

LW moved in. He was polite, respectful and a likable young man. He was respectful of my space and accommodating to my requests. The first 2 weeks he lived in my house he worked long hours so wasn’t home much.

He wanted me to know more about him because he was living in my house so he slowly began sharing his history.  Some good and some not so good. At the beginning of the third week he quit his job. The second one he had since moving in. That day he sat down with me and shared that he had been in jail for a year for domestic violence and was in residential treatment for drug and alcohol addiction in California. (Not working in a grey hound rescue center) He was in jail for assaulting three different women. He said he only got violent when he was drunk and he wasn’t drinking anymore.

Great! Me a single woman with a potentially violent male living in my house. The one benefit in my favor was that I had 26 years experience as a therapist behind me so I knew how to de escalate and talk to people with mental health issues.

At this point I would like to address the fact that several people have said I was stupid for renting to someone from a Craigslist ad. The truth is, an unstable person could put an ad anywhere. They could place an ad on a college bulletin board, on the Nextdoor app, in a coffee shop, or even come from the recommendation of a judge. Everyone on Craigslist list is NOT unstable. Unstable people can be found everywhere.  Based on the information I had, this sounded like a good roommate.

Another important factor is, unstable people work very hard at looking normal, maybe even overcompensating, like LW did in his ad.  What he said was mostly true…when he is clean and sober and on medication.

Through some kind of divine intervention, I met his sister and she had my phone number because he used my phone to call her. One morning I got a message from her that he had threatened to kill a family friend and there was a order of protection against him.  That is when my anxiety kicked in. I wanted him out immediately! I talked to a neighbor and put a safety plan in place and gave my daughter information in case something happened to me.

I had watched his manic state escalating since he left his job and it was keeping me awake. We had talked about it several times and he said he would be more conscious of the noise. With this recent information I wanted him to move out.

The next morning, I got up the courage to ask him to leave. Trust me, it took a great deal of courage because I knew he could explode.

AND SO ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

I told him he needed to find a new place to live. I told him it was because of the mania and my not being able to sleep. I didn’t want him to know I had spoken to his sister or that I knew about his terroristic threat.  Instead I said I hoped he got help for his mania because it was not going to go away on its own and that I thought he was a great guy and wanted him to have a happy life.  He told me he was worthless and left the house.

He didn’t return for 10 hours.  I heard him come in and I got anxious. He was in the kitchen slamming things around and I heard him talking to a woman so I felt I was safe. I was in my room on the second floor and I could smell alcohol all the way up the stairs.

When he started storming up the stairs swearing and screaming I knew I was alone in the house with a violent drunk man. He had been talking in both a man and a woman’s voice. A classic psychotic break.

As he passed my room he angrily stated mimicking things I had said to him. As soon as he passed me room, I ran for my life out of the house. I went to a neighbors house and the police were called.

At first they wouldn’t remove him from my house because he was just drunk, hadn’t harmed me and it was my fault for renting to someone I didn’t know. Victim shaming at its best. I was in a full blown panic attack by that time, feeling helpless, shaking to my core and freezing at the same time. I could calm down. While I was out of the house he was destroying my things.

The police didn’t care about my heart history. They told me to go back into the house. They would only take him if he hurt me.  His sister called me and patched her brother in on a three way and I handed the cop the phone and he put it on speaker phone. LW threatened to kill me, his sister, said he was satan and knew witchcraft and other threatening things. The police went to my house and took him away.

I had a stress induced cardiomyopathy heart attack and spent two days in the hospital.

I will never rent to anyone again. If you are considering renting to someone you don’t know, no matter where you found their ad, do a background check and get references before you say yes. It could save you a lot of heart break.

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Third Anniversary of Heart Attack

 

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Three years ago today, on the Equinox, I had the first of three heart attacks, that resulted in my having open heart surgery.  This first heart attack lead me on an amazing journey home to my heart. I painted this painting to celebrate the anniversary and my healthy ❤️

Early in the morning, three years ago, I had a dream that was a sacred ceremony in which the six pointed star was placed in my heart and the Vesica Pisces was placed in my womb. Both of these are symbols of balancing the Masculine and Feminine energies. So is the Equinox. I woke up knowing something powerful had just happened. That evening I had the heart attack.

I was blindsided. Soul contracts are like that!

That began a 2 1/2 year journey of self discovery, where I found out what I was capable of doing under extreme pressure. It showed me what I was truly made of and that I could endure the worst and become my best. It showed me my mortality and highlighted my desire to live❤️

This journey brought me back to my heart, which is the source of my wisdom. I know what my heart desires and what it doesn’t. It brought me back to my purpose, which is to share my love and deep wisdom through my art and I am committed and dedicated to that purpose now more than ever. No more distractions.

My heart is open. It is tender, sensitive and knowing as well as strong, wise and healthy. I am at home in my heart.

Thank you for witnessing my process, loving me through it, shoring me up when I needed it and showing me the importance of surrounding yourself with a community of care.

Sharing this journey was the most vulnerable thing I have done and not easy, but it felt important.

That chapter is done and I am onto a new chapter.

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Filed under A wakening consciousness, Awakening The Inner Physician, heart Health, Resilient Heart, Uncategorized