Tag Archives: trust

Between Uncertainty and Possibilities

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This is where I am, in the uncertainty and unlimited possibilities. Some days I can see the possibilities and other days I just see what’s holding me back.

I am rebuilding at a time in my life when I wasn’t expecting to rebuild. Having my life disrupted for three years with my health was a big challenge, especially for someone who was always healthy, always on the go, always creating.

I have recreated myself and now am recreating my life. It’s exciting and sometimes challenging. Maintaining peace and trust isn’t always easy. Sometimes I don’t feel peace and feel fear.

Having another heart event 5 weeks ago sucked. I am still recovering. Some days I feel great and others days I don’t. I look healthy but my body is still healing.

I have so many things I want to create and have to remember that if my body says it needs to rest, I have to honor that and not try to push through like I use to. Sometimes I feel the pressure to do when I don’t want to do anything. I let it go because I trust the perfection of my path.

It is hard for someone who hasn’t had the experience to understand what it’s like to have your life disrupted for three years because of health.
It disrupts you on all levels. Not only has your body changed but the way you think and feel changes too.  I believe that most people who have been challenged by a life threatening illness have PTSD. You wonder if you will ever get better and when the next issue is going to pop up, and if that pain you are feeling is serious or not.
Most people also experience financial trauma. Yes it is traumatic when you lose your source of income, drain your savings and max out all your credit cards and still have bills to pay every month.  This shouldn’t happen to someone who should be focusing on healing.  I know a lot of people going through this right now and when they publicly have to ask for help it’s embarrassing. It’s the last thing they want to have to do. Talk about stress!
The medical system in the US needs to be Rebuilt. It is in the dark ages when it comes to holistic health. The only way to truly heal is holistically and if we want to give ourselves the best health care we have to look outside of the system and pay for it ourselves.
I am committed to being a bridge between the medical system and the holistic health community through my work.

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Day Three-Experiment in Living Spontaneously

This is how my day started today.  I was walking to the car when I looked down and spotted a four-leaf clover.  I have a knack for just spotting them.  You could hunt all day and never find one.  That’s how four-leaf clovers are, they have to call to you, you can’t just hunt them down.

There is an ancient mystique attached to the four-leaf clover that continues today.  Myth has it that if you find a four-leaf clover it is a rare occurrence and an omen of good luck. In the Middle Ages, it was also thought to allow the bearer to see fairies and plant sprites. So it was that children often searched fields for a four-leaf clover in order to see into the magical realm of the spirit world. The four-leaf clover is an uncommon variation of the common, three-leaved clover.  It has been estimated that there are approximately 10,000 three-leaf clovers for every four-leaf clover, and my yard can attest to that.  I usually find a couple each summer, by accident.

According to legend, each leaf represents something; the first is for faith, the second is for hope, the third is for love and the fourth is for luck.  I am taking it as a sign that I am on the right track and my intentions will manifest.

After finding the four-leaf clover I went to do some errands and people were particularly friendly to me.  As I was walking to the store two men passed me and said hello.  I smile and said hello back and one of them burst out in a “Praise the Lord!” like something awesome had just happened.   As I walked to the door of the store another man opened it open, said hello like I was a long-lost friend and held the door for me.  I must have been really shiny today!  The energy today is also telling me that men are noticing me which is great considering the intention I have of meeting my partner.

The rest of my day flowed really well.  I did some work for my business, had a visit and long conversation with my son and before I knew it was 3:00 and I hadn’t even eaten lunch.

One thing I have already become acutely aware of in the three days I have been on this Create-you-day quest is the level of mind chatter I still have going on in my mind.  This become more apparent when you are alone.   Yesterday when I was at the zoo I found myself thinking “Ok, what am I suppose to be doing now?”, “How is this going to get me where I want to go?”, “why am I doing this?”.  All of those voices are about  control, performance, and doing, three things I was programmed as a kid to do, by my parents and by society.  Damn! I was surprised that I still had that chatter going on.  If we have control we feel secure, if we are going with the flow we don’t.

It is clear that I am not yet comfortable with complete trust and complete flow.  The voices didn’t have too much to do when I was working because I had the days I worked and I had the days I was off.  There is a definite distinction not that all of my days are free, and the voices have gotten very active.

There is guidance and there is chatter and they are miles apart.  We all have both going on all of the time, unfortunately the chatter can get very loud and we can’t hear the guidance.  I have worked on the issues of control, performance and doing/achieving over the years but because it is a social program it is a hard nut to crack.

As a result of my years of personal develop I have awareness so I can see/hear what I am do and make a choice not to listen.  I can choose to turn down the volume on my chatter and turn up the volume on my higher wisdom, which I can easily identify because of years of practice.  Many people don’t have this ability and can only hear the chatter.  Guidance has a different quality, a frequency and speed that is different from chatter.

There is a stream of personal guidance flowing through your mind that is just for you, just like there is an ongoing stream of chatter.  The challenge is learning which one is which.  I know for me part of what I am supposed to learn from this experiment is to turn the volume on the chatter way down and trust my life.

Thank you universe for the four-leaf clover today, it will help me remember.

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Filed under 31 Day experiment in Living Spontaneously, Entrepreneurship, It Works Marketing

Lightening Bolt to the Side of the Head!

I took the leap and quit my job!  This is something I have wanted to do for a long time.  It was time to do what I came here to do which includes, painting, writing, inspiring people to live their best lives and encourage others to follow their dreams.  The day my departure was announced at the clinic I was struck with the worst headache I have ever had.  It was like being struck by lightning on the left side of my face, with pulses of electrical current surging through my face every few minutes.  I tried everything to make it go away but it wouldn’t budge!

On the third day I got the strongest headache medicine I could get over the counter and for 5 hours the headache was gone.  It was my birthday and I wasn’t going to let a headache spoil a day I had planned for two months.  The next morning I woke up with welts all over the left side of my face, on my forehead and across my eyelid and that was the beginning of my journey with shingles.

Shingles, isn’t that something that they put on the roof to keep rain from getting in?  Yes and no.

Shingles is a stupid word for a very painful condition!  For me it included electrical shocks to the side of my head, across my forehead and into my eyelid, nausea, headache for days, numbness and a bug crawling feeling, no appetite and -0 energy.  I basically felt like shit for 2 weeks, spent most of the time horizontal and ate very little. I couldn’t sleep so I felt exhausted at a deep level.  I started seeing dust and dirt in my house that I hadn’t noticed before and I wanted it all to go away, but I didn’t have energy to do anything about it.

Apparently shingles is a resurgence of the dormant chicken pox virus, which lurks silently in your nerves for years, until a moment of high stress triggers an ambush to knife you while you’re already down. The funny thing is, I didn’t feel stressed, but somewhere in my psyche I must have been. There was a part of my unconscious that has been split open by this bolt of lightning and it manifested though my dreams.  A week into my journey with shingles I started to have dreams.  The first series of dreams was about men from my past.  Each night a different man and the illumination of the problem in our relationship. I saw each relationship from a vantage point I hadn’t seen before.  A theme emerge and knew upon waking that I would not repeat the issue ever again. I have also had a series of dreams about my work as a therapist, and how good I am at that. I see this as a graceful closure to a career I dedicated a lot of time to.  The next series of dreams went so deep that I couldn’t remember them when I woke up but knew that something had been changed in me through the night’s journey.

I believe our bodies tell us things we can’t see another way, so I like to explore what the metaphor of a specific illness might be.  Louise Hay says that shingles is about trust and the mantra she attaches to it is ” I am relaxed and peaceful because I trust the process of life and all is well in my world.”  Easy for you to say, Louise!  I just quit a job that has been safe and created my stability for 25 years. Trust!  Yeah, right, here I was leaping off the cliff and immediately I come down with some medical issue that costs over $600 because I don’t have insurance.  Now there is a trust building activity for you!

I had tried this retirement thing two times before and ended up going back to safety and stability after hitting bottom. The last two times I quit my job to follow my dreams I was in a different consciousness.  I live in abundance consciousness now so I don’t have to worry about not having support or having my needs met.  I always have what I need.

Having shingles is an enormous lesson in patience as there is no way of speeding up the healing process and your energy comes back when it wants to, not when you want it to.  When I looked up the metaphysical meaning of shingles I found numerous references that it was the sign of a spiritual awakening.  I can buy that. It did feel like something had broken through the side of my face and the rash seemed like the perfect sign that something was being released.

It is a spiritual awakening about trust an issue I have often struggled with.  On the deepest level it is about trusting myself to know that I can leap into my dreams, follow my heart and be relaxed and peaceful in the process, because all is very well with my world.

If you enjoyed this blog read more about how to use illness to transform your life in my new book, Empowered Health and Wellness, awakening the inner physician. 

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The author, Katelyn Mariah is a visionary artist, author, conscious entrepreneur and alchemist.  Learn more at www.embracingeudaimonia.com

Find her books at www,mystickcreekpublishing.com

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