Tag Archives: fierce self love

Giving up was not an option

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I am writing this to remind myself…

There was a point in my health journey where I had not only lost my health but also my savings and my livelihood. It was about 8 months in that my savings was gone, my successful career was gone and all of my credit cards were maxed out from basic living and medical bills. This was probably the most stressful time in my life.

But something kept pulling me forward. The pull was my purpose. My purpose this lifetime has always been to create art that had a positive, transformational impact. Writing, which is part of that purpose came later. I write from the same place as I paint.

This is to say that when I was at my lowest lows, I still could paint and I still could write and those two things pulled me through. I could also see there would be a time when I could fully live my purpose again. That what I was going through had meaning in this purpose and I wasn’t intended to die from it.

And so I painted…and I wrote…32 paintings focused on the heart and several other paintings. I wrote and illustrated a children’s book. I wrote Resilient Heart a book all about heart health and my journey. I wrote Resilient Heart Art, the healing power of art. I built an Etsy site and two new websites for my art and writing. I created a festival for artists and writers to combine my to loves. All while I was sick. Those things pulled me through my illness and kept me focused on my purpose.

I was grateful for each positive step forward no matter how small.

So now getting 4 shows for my art in 3 days tells me my focus paid off. Getting the feed back from curators that they are touched by my art means a lot. It shows me I have built momentum. I am in a place of joy because my physical crisis is finally over and I am in the flow of the vision I held for the past 3 years.

I am sharing this not to brag but to give someone, somewhere hope. No matter what happens hold on to your dream. Let it lift you up and maybe out of where you are right now.

Today I thank myself for not giving up.

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Filed under health and wellness, heart Health, Personal development, Resilient Heart

A New Path Emerges out of Transformation Addiction

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Painting by Katelyn Mariah, Oil and Egg Tempera on panel. Ibiza, Spain 2015

“One of the most enduring metaphors for the spiritual path is the transformation of the lowly caterpillar into a butterfly.  Out of its own substance, the ground-hugging grub weaves the medium for its metamorphosis—the chrysalis within which it evolves into a beautiful creature with wings.  The human being undergoes an equally dramatic transformation, unfolding the path to liberation from within the depths of the soul and emerging, after great struggle, as an expression of divinity in the world.”

I say none of this from a place of judgment but from an understanding that it was all necessary…

I have been on a path of transformation and self-healing for 30 years.  It began with a near death experience that opened me up to wanting to know who I really was and why I am on the planet, so for me to say that path has ended is a big deal!  I woke up one morning and realized I have had enough transformation and self-healing, I am done. If what we focus on is what we create, I had become expert at creating opportunities to transform and heal. It no longer felt loving to continue to dissect my psyche.  Transformation had become an addiction and going through it and coming out on the other side transformed was exhilarating. I realized that by the very nature of focusing on this path I was manifesting all kinds of experiences where I could go through the process of transformation.  After all what we focus on becomes our reality.  

The word “transformation” became popular in the 1960’s and 1970’s and became trendy in the 1980’s and 1990’s.  The word meant a spiritual awakening, though it’s deeper meaning would only become known through experience. Ultimately the spiritual path is never pleasant or comfortable.  You are literally breaking down the social programming and resultant beliefs and behaviors by diving into the psyche and seeing the truth.  Often times the truth is not easy to look at.  There were many times where a transformational event was set off that left me in pain for days while I searched for the way back to equilibrium. The process of transformation is often messy and painful.  I imagine it is a lot like how the caterpillar feels as it turns into goop.

Transformation is a taking apart process, to discover the true self so you can live an authentic life.  It is a necessary process on this planet because of all the programming we have layered on our true self through the socialization process.  Don’t get me wrong when I say I am done.  I am not saying it is a bad thing to transform and heal.  I am saying it can become addictive, sending us leaping from transformational event to transformational event. leaving us feeling like there is always more to discover and change. We are constantly “working on ourselves” and that is not fun.  When this happens we are often saying to the Universe, “I am not good enough the way I am, I need to fix that.”  The addiction to transformation can be unloving and unkind.  Very few of us love ourselves through the process.

If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation. ― Jiddu Krishnamurti

If you are constantly diving deeply, being self reflective and trying to fix things in yourself it is exhausting.  It is also hard on your body, mind and spirit because you are lowering your vibration and raising it all of the time. 

The thing that lead me to the place of saying “I am done, I have had enough” was yet another, big, painful opportunity to heal my body.  I have learned a lot about myself through issues with my body.  I am not chronically ill, in fact I am very healthy but I have manifested some heavy duty issues with my body.  Using the healing and transformation process in my book  Empowered Health and Wellness: Awakening Your Inner Physician I was able to discover what my body/soul was trying to tell me.  It was actually in the discovery process that I realized I was done!  I wasn’t thrilled that I needed to do another process of healing an issue with my body.  The metaphor that arose through the process was that of metamorphosis.  It was the perfect metaphor to lead me to understand that I was done with this cycle of learning and I could close the door on the path of healing and transformation.  Out of my process rose the butterfly of love and compassion and the beginning of my new path.

“When the ego says, “I can’t do this any more: this way is not working and I am done,” the soul says ‘Good. You’ve gotten everything you could out of this level of awareness and now we are going to take what you have learned and transform it into something bigger than you ever imagined it could be while you were going through it.”

“Being done” can not be planned.  You can’t pick a date and say that is the day I will have enough.  Just like you can’t pull the caterpillar out of it’s chrysalis and find a butterfly, you can only be done, when you are done!  You will feel it in your bones.

It happened for me on November 5th, 2015.  I picked up my journal and wrote: “I am officially resigning as poster child for self-healing and transformation!  I have mastered the process of healing and transforming and I no longer have to hone that skill.  I trust my body to re-balance itself whenever it is out of balance.  I am no longer having self-healing and transformation as my focus and I am choosing the path of LOVE.”   My divine inner genius responded: “We are so pleased at this outcome.  In loving yourself, know that your path is right and perfect at all times and that there are no mistakes.  All events up to this point have been to get you here.”

Yes, those of us who have been doing our spiritual work for year, we have processed enough. We have gone down enough rabbit holes. We can learn and grow and evolve just as easy through love and joy and it is way more fun. We don’t have to dissect our psyche any longer. I am being called to live an authentic life from a place of love and compassion. Continuing to transform myself no longer feels like self love to me.

I know who I am, I don’t think there is a stone left to turn over.  I have faced all of my dragons and met all of my demons and mined a lot of gems and diamonds in the process. I love the person I have discovered, which is the person I always was but just couldn’t see.

Now what? I have no clue but honestly it feels fabulous. Authenticity, following my heart and love feels good for starters. (This is not to say these things haven’t been part of my path already ) 

I am still left with the work of healing the current physical issue but now that I have learned what I needed to learn from it, it is only a matter of time before my body catches up and returns to balance.

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Painting by Katelyn Mariah, Oil and Egg Tempera on panel. Ibiza, Spain 2015

The author, Katelyn Mariah is a visionary artist, author, conscious entrepreneur, and alchemist.  Learn more at www.embracingeudaimonia.com

Find her books at www,mystickcreekpublishing.com

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